10/07/09 Bend

My last girlfriend was Jewish, of Chinese descent, which gave her three New Years to celebrate.  We lasted over six years, but she'll tell you they felt like eighteen.  In my life, I only have two calendars, one belonging to Pope Gregory (est. 1582), the other to the Portland Trailblazers (est. 1969).

Training camp has begun, and I'll share my thoughts of the men on the business end of Paul Allen's checks this season.  If you're not a basketball fan, this might be a good time to visit the "BACK" button on your web browser.

Travis Outlaw: His dad works in law enforcement in Mississippi, where his badge says Sheriff and his nameplate says Outlaw.  Travis came to the Blazers directly after graduating high school (I went directly to 7-11, or maybe Denny's).

Joel Pryzbilla: He has the Trailblazers' best nickname -- The Vanilla Gorilla.  Until last year, I forced my nephew to close his eyes or leave the room whenever Joel shot free throws.  Joel has since improved.

Martell Webster: Martell's return from foot injury is one of the most intriguing storylines of this Blazer pre-season, right up there with the mysteries of Why Do People Like the Lakers and Where are the Corners of Coach McMillan's Collar.

Brandon Roy: I own a T-shirt with Brandon Roy's picture on it.  That's only been true for two other men: Steve Largent and Captain America.  Brandon does everything with consistency except get back on defense.

LaMarcus Aldridge: At six-foot-eleven, he's one of the NBA's most amazing athletes.  What's even more amazing is his "Just the facts, ma'am" demeanor when the Blazers' leggy sideline reporter fawns over him after a victory.  LaMarvelous!

Steve Blake: His role on offense is just like mine when I played at The City College of New York -- pass to someone else and run to the corner.  If I knew there was money in it, I would have done it better.

Greg Oden: He's seven-feet tall and two hundred and seventy pounds, making him the first Trailblazer I'd choose if I needed a teammate at the park.  He's also the first Trailblazer I'd choose if  I needed to move furniture, or collect a Mafia debt.  Greg has no tonsils and one leg shorter than the other, which is more information than I should know about a man I've never met.  

Rudy Fernandez: Rudy's in a tough spot -- a guy who doesn't like to stand still, playing for a coach with little interest in the fast break.  As consolation, Rudy has lots of money and good looks.

Jerryd Bayless: He's the backup point guard's backup, who struts a bit like the title character in Ben Stiller's "Zoolander."  He suffers from what coaches call "tunnel vision," where he ignores teammates who wouldn't mind touching the basketball.  He's one of my favorite players.

Nicolas Batum:  He looks like Scottie Pippen, moves like Tayshaun Prince, and talks like Pepe Le Pew.  C'est magnifique!  

Andre Miller: His acquisition gives the team two point guards over thirty years of age, which is okay at the Athletic Club of Bend but a problem in the National Basketball Association.  Even though Andre's the oldest guy on this list, he's still younger than me, which is a fact that's very, very hard to take.